Hangover Induced Depressive State

Doc, How do I deal with the crippling depression that comes with a hangover?  I seek your counsel.

Let me first ask you a question.  Were you at a music festival over the weekend?  Did you do a lot of molly?  Is it Tuesday?

If the answer to all those questions is yes, then welcome to Suicide Tuesday my friend.  I am glad you made it through the day to write me the email.  Unfortunately this is just how it goes, your brain is pretty much depleted of serotonin and it's going to take a day or two to get back to normal levels.  Resist the urge to do more molly if you can because that will only make the depression worse.  You should definitely take some vitamins though, and if you want, try 5-HTP.

If this is just your standard, run of the mill weekend that involved a lot of drinking, maybe a little illicit drug use, but nothing too crazy then the best way to deal with this depression is to focus on the good times you had the night before.  I understand focusing on anything may be difficult with a crippling hangover, so take 600-800mg of ibuprofen with an Emergen-C (mixed with Gatorade instead of water) and try to take a nap.

Update:

A reader emailed me with an additional remedy.  The reader recommends vigorous sexual activity and mid-90s comedies (Happy Gilmore, Tommy Boy, etc) to purge the mind of suicidal thoughts.  I fully support this as a complementary therapy, but my legal counsel has advised me to disclaim that the authors of the blog cannot be held liable for any wrist or finger joint damage caused by aforementioned sexual activity.

Thank you for your question.  You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

Depressing Friends

Someone left a fantastic question the other day that I think we can all relate to:

Dear Good Doctor - I have an asshole friend who keeps bringing up really depressing shit that makes me want to slit my wrists. What do I do about him?

I suggest planning a trip with your friend to Portland.  Go get a razor blade and offer to slit your friend's wrists for him. Remember, down the river, not across the road, but if you are truly advanced, try the Zorro (illustration below).  If you are worried about committing murder, don't be, assisted suicide is legal in Oregon.


The Zorro Maneuver:

Thank you for your question.  You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

Let me clear my throat

I travel pretty regularly so I've gotten to know the guy who drives me to airport pretty well.  This past Sunday he was clearing his throat quite a bit and I asked him if he was getting sick.  He said that it's just his allergies acting up and he's had that issue for as long as he can remember.  I suggested that he try taking some Guaifenesin, and if that didn't work, he should try Prilosec.  My untrained ear diagnosed him with what I thought might be acid reflux, but I was hoping that it might just be that he has some thick mucus buildup, maybe caused by allergies that could be treated with a simple expectorant.  He asked me to write down the names of the medicine I was suggesting and then proceeded to thank me profusely.  He said "Man, thanks!  If I had gone to see a doctor it would have cost me $100!"

Good doctor FTW.

Throwback Tuesdays: DJ Kool - Let Me Clear My Throat

You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

More Paper Cut Remedies

I've received an outpouring of additional home remedies for how to treat a paper cut and I wanted to share a few that I endorse:

1) Grow a pair and sack the fuck up it's just a paper cut you little bitch

2) Treat it with some rubbing alcohol then be sure to check your vagina for a yeast infection

3) Two words: Duct. Tape.

4) Super glue.  Apparently this is a real remedy.  I think it's meant more for cuts larger than those caused by paper, but it's a good one to keep in the back pocket.

You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

Lines are open, we are waiting for your call!

To get things started, I've provided a few examples of questions and sample responses:

Q: Good Doctor, I have a paper cut on my hand, what should I do?
A: Put some Vicks Formula 44 on it, rinse, repeat.  Once it has a really good sting going, rinse with water, maybe some rubbing alcohol, and then put a band-aid on it.

Q: Good Doctor, I took too many uppers this weekend and I am having trouble sleeping.
A: Try some Melatonin.  You can buy it at pretty much any Walgreen's, CVS, Target, etc.  Remember, always try to balance your uppers and downers, and if you are going to tilt in one direction, never a differential of more than 1.  Uppers + Downers < or = 5 (3 for newbs).  This rule will keep you alive.

Q: Good Doctor, I just woke up and can't see out of my left eye.
A: First, check if you still have your eye patch on from your pirate costume.  If you are certain there is nothing covering your eye, call a friend and ask him to take you to the Emergency Room right away.

You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

What is Patient-Quack Confidentiality?

I am not a medical doctor.  However, my friends call me the good doctor and often come to me for medical advice.  The question is, do the privacy rights afforded to patients seeking medical advice from a licensed medical doctor apply to my relationship with my friends?

I believe they absolutely do and that patient-quack confidentiality is sacred.

You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.