When you've gotta go, but your ass says no

Good Doctor:  I have a terrible case of constipation.  This is a serious problem because I get incredibly cranky when I don't shit in the morning.  It's been about 5 days since I've had a shit that doesn't resemble hamster food.  I don't know what to do.  I think my girlfriend is going to leave me.  I tried laxatives and nothing is working.

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I think we all know the pain you are going through my friend.  I can first tell you that you are not the only person who becomes a raging asshole when their digestive system chooses not to work the way it's supposed to.  

Chances are that you have changed your diet recently.  When you say your girlfriend is going to leave you...do you mean she left you about a week ago and then you went on a hershey's binge?  The reason is important because we are here to develop long-term solutions and I am positive that fixing your diet will help this.  Until we solve this, please put down that Crackle, put down the cup of coffee, and please stop stuffing your face with cheese curds.  

There are a few things we are going to want to do before you get on that shitter.  The first is to get yourself an over-the-counter stool softener.  The reason should be obvious, but unless you like getting your ass torn up on the reg, this is important.  Take the recommended dose to get your poop loose, wait about 6 hours and then call up your friendly neighborhood (nose) Candyman.  Light some scented candles, clear the path from you to the toilet, take 3 lines and enjoy.  I opted for the natural remedy because you already said laxatives haven't been working.  Some doctors may suggest eating prunes, but who the fuck would eat a prune over doing a few lines of that yeyo.  Not the Good Doctor.

Thank you for your question.  You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

That's rad, man.

Dear GizmoDoc,

So when I get dental X-rays, why does the tech put on this huge lead vest and run out the of the room, while I just sit there with a weird sharp plastic guard in my mouth? Shouldn't I get a huge lead vest too? WTF? Isn't all that radiation bad for me?

Charles G., Pawhuska, Oklahoma

Charles,

That is a great question.
The answer: the dental x-rays are probably not bad for you. The reason the tech puts on the vest is because they get much more exposure, blasting morons like you with x-rays.

A typical bite-wing x-ray (that put those weird sharp things in your mouth) will have an effective dose 5-10 micro-Sieverts (µSV). This is a very low level of exposure, and it would take nearly 200,000 bite-wing x-rays, in a short period of time, to get to a point where you have even a small chance of developing cancer. In fact, did you know that every hour you spend in an airplane at cruising altitude carries about ~2.5 µSV of exposure? Meaning every flight from JFK to LAX you get about the same amount of radiation as a bitewing x-ray, a tiny amount.

Now the typical medical advice blog would pretty much end here. But I know what you were thinking, Charles. 

"Can radiation exposure give me superpowers?"

My gut tells says "yes". There are billions of us. Weirder things have happened. Who would have thought that the girl who banged Moesha's brother would be on the cover of Vogue? Look at this clear evidence of real-life super-powers

Das Uberboy. X-ray Vision Girl. Battery Man. This shit is real.

The conclusion is clear: 1) superpowers are real, 2) you'll find me getting continuous dental x-rays aboard an airplane so I can join this illustrious band of super-heroes.

Thank you for your question.  You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

Hot Tub Herpes

Good Doctor:  My girlfriend went on a girls trip and came back with a bunch of nasty looking pimples all over her cooter and ass.  I love her and trust her, but she must have cheated on me on her trip right?  She denies it...I don't know what to do.

Before I jump into a diagnosis I need to ask a question.  Did your girlfriend spend a lot of time in a hot tub on her trip?  If so, you don't need to worry my friend.  She most likely contracted what is called Hot Tub Folliculitis.  This happens when people do vacations on the cheap and end up staying at a resort that hasn't done a great job maintaining and disinfecting its hot tubs.  Honestly I think it serves the patrons right...as you readers have learned on this site, you get what you pay for...but I digress.  The gross pimply looking things all over your girlfriends bits are called papules and pustules.  I would provide a link so you can confirm, but that would require me to Google some images and honestly I don't want to see that shit.  

The treatment is pretty simple, tell her to pour some white vinegar on the nastiness and let it resolve.  

If this doesn't work, then your girlfriend is a lying whore and you should probably get yourself tested.

Thank you for your question. You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

Is the Robot Apocalypse about to begin?

Hi GizmoDoc,
I watched a lot of TV and movies from the 80's and 90's, and if they taught me anything, its that the robot uprising is a certainty.  I keep hearing more and more about these surgical robots with all sorts of attachments like cutters, lasers and other things that sound like evil villain super-powers. I'm concerned that we have spent the last 10 years teaching robots every physical weakness of the human body, and their eventual revolution is on the horizon. Am I right to be afraid?
-Michael W., Johannesburg, South Africa


Hi Michael,
Great question. Without burying the lead, let me say this first:

Yes, you should fear the robot uprising.

But not for the reasons you think. Most surgical robotics don't function without direct human intervention, and if anything can be imagined as just a mechanism that mimics the movements of a surgeon. Imagine just a very fancy and expensive power tool. Although yes, there are some very scary sounding attachments that essentially sound like super-villain weapons. But as "smart" as all these systems are, they only do what humans direct them to do.

The reason you SHOULD feat the robot uprising, is that they are already more creative and smarterer than humans. We've already started to give up up our identity and let our lives be digitized. In fact, the same people that check your email for you can operate your heavy machinery. They can read our body language, and recognize faces. They play fucking kick ass guitar music. This is insane.

But when SpotiAmaGoogFlix creates the first humanoid terminator, surgical robotics and technology will be here to heal us.

Unless Michael is right, and those damn robots have now developed a taste for human flesh. In that case we are all doomed.

Have a great weekend everybody!

Update: I saw this. Humans are over, and we had it coming.

Thank you for your question. You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice about robots for free

Prophylactics

Good Doctor:  Last Saturday morning my friends and I were up in the mountains for a ski trip and I just had a feeling that despite all the champagne powder out there, no amount of shredding was going to lift the mood of this group.  Sure enough, we hit it hard and we all just came back and went to sleep.  What's wrong with us?  Is there anything I can do to make sure this doesn't happen again?

At first glance this didn't strike me as a medical question and I was going to advise you to get yourself a new set of friends, but then I dug deep into my medical knowledge and it struck me that all you and your friends really needed were some prophylactics.  I don't mean condoms because no one likes condoms.  I mean prophylactic party-starters.  We're talking Jäger bombs.  While normally these types of drinks are reserved for later in the night to keep the party going or before heading out to get your mind right to make bad decisions, a little known use is to get the party started before getting out there on the slopes around 8a (recommended dosage: 1 shot upon waking, 1 apertif, 1 digestif and 1 after you get your boots on before heading out).  The combination of Jäger and red bull creates a magic potion that gives you the Kodak courage you need  for the day and leaves room for you to take it up a notch with 5-hour energy and stronger substances into the night.  With that said, if this doesn't work, get yourself some new friends.

Thank you for your question.  You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

If you got penile problems I feel bad for you, son

Loyal Readers, today we introduce a new feature brought to us by the GizmoDoc, a contributor specializing in medical devices and accessories. Let's welcome him to the Patient-Quack community!

GizmoDoc, I've tried Viagra and Cialis, but nothing works for me. Are there mechanical penile implants on the horizon?

Oh dear reader, what a predicament! 

My first question for you is: 1) have these medications NEVER worked or 2) did they CEASE to work?

1) Do you find yourself healing rapidly from wounds? Are you unable to get drunk? Do you find that you are unaffected by most drugs and supplements? Do you think you may have some sort of mutant healing-factor. Are you Wolverine? If so, then your erectile dysfunction is likely psychological after you murdered your love, Jean Grey.

2) You should see an actual doctor. 

If neither situation is completely applicable, please read on.

You are in luck! So called "penile prosthetics" or "penile implants" exist! The most commonly recommended type is an inflatable prosthesis, that can be inflated and deflated on demand. Amazing! Modern medicine!

But you might thinking: "GizmoDoc, that sounds gross and expensive. Any other, cheaper, options?"

Absolutely!

Swallow a bunch of those balloons that creepy clowns use to make horribly squeaky balloon animals and swords and stuff. Because of science, eventually one will lodge itself into your penis (statistics + science = magic). Then, use an air compressor to inflate the balloon as needed.

Good luck, and good love-making!

Update:
GizmoDoc now recommends that you DO NOT implement the air-compressor-balloon method as a DIY penile prosthesis. So many reasons why, we can't really get into it. 

Thank you for your question. You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.

Hangover Induced Depressive State

Doc, How do I deal with the crippling depression that comes with a hangover?  I seek your counsel.

Let me first ask you a question.  Were you at a music festival over the weekend?  Did you do a lot of molly?  Is it Tuesday?

If the answer to all those questions is yes, then welcome to Suicide Tuesday my friend.  I am glad you made it through the day to write me the email.  Unfortunately this is just how it goes, your brain is pretty much depleted of serotonin and it's going to take a day or two to get back to normal levels.  Resist the urge to do more molly if you can because that will only make the depression worse.  You should definitely take some vitamins though, and if you want, try 5-HTP.

If this is just your standard, run of the mill weekend that involved a lot of drinking, maybe a little illicit drug use, but nothing too crazy then the best way to deal with this depression is to focus on the good times you had the night before.  I understand focusing on anything may be difficult with a crippling hangover, so take 600-800mg of ibuprofen with an Emergen-C (mixed with Gatorade instead of water) and try to take a nap.

Update:

A reader emailed me with an additional remedy.  The reader recommends vigorous sexual activity and mid-90s comedies (Happy Gilmore, Tommy Boy, etc) to purge the mind of suicidal thoughts.  I fully support this as a complementary therapy, but my legal counsel has advised me to disclaim that the authors of the blog cannot be held liable for any wrist or finger joint damage caused by aforementioned sexual activity.

Thank you for your question.  You can always reach us at patientquack@gmail.com.

Remember, you get what you pay for...which in this case is bad advice for free.