Good Doctor: I have a terrible case of constipation. This is a serious problem because I get incredibly cranky when I don't shit in the morning. It's been about 5 days since I've had a shit that doesn't resemble hamster food. I don't know what to do. I think my girlfriend is going to leave me. I tried laxatives and nothing is working.
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I think we all know the pain you are going through my friend. I can first tell you that you are not the only person who becomes a raging asshole when their digestive system chooses not to work the way it's supposed to.
Chances are that you have changed your diet recently. When you say your girlfriend is going to leave you...do you mean she left you about a week ago and then you went on a hershey's binge? The reason is important because we are here to develop long-term solutions and I am positive that fixing your diet will help this. Until we solve this, please put down that Crackle, put down the cup of coffee, and please stop stuffing your face with cheese curds.
There are a few things we are going to want to do before you get on that shitter. The first is to get yourself an over-the-counter stool softener. The reason should be obvious, but unless you like getting your ass torn up on the reg, this is important. Take the recommended dose to get your poop loose, wait about 6 hours and then call up your friendly neighborhood (nose) Candyman. Light some scented candles, clear the path from you to the toilet, take 3 lines and enjoy. I opted for the natural remedy because you already said laxatives haven't been working. Some doctors may suggest eating prunes, but who the fuck would eat a prune over doing a few lines of that yeyo. Not the Good Doctor.
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I think we all know the pain you are going through my friend. I can first tell you that you are not the only person who becomes a raging asshole when their digestive system chooses not to work the way it's supposed to.
Chances are that you have changed your diet recently. When you say your girlfriend is going to leave you...do you mean she left you about a week ago and then you went on a hershey's binge? The reason is important because we are here to develop long-term solutions and I am positive that fixing your diet will help this. Until we solve this, please put down that Crackle, put down the cup of coffee, and please stop stuffing your face with cheese curds.
There are a few things we are going to want to do before you get on that shitter. The first is to get yourself an over-the-counter stool softener. The reason should be obvious, but unless you like getting your ass torn up on the reg, this is important. Take the recommended dose to get your poop loose, wait about 6 hours and then call up your friendly neighborhood (nose) Candyman. Light some scented candles, clear the path from you to the toilet, take 3 lines and enjoy. I opted for the natural remedy because you already said laxatives haven't been working. Some doctors may suggest eating prunes, but who the fuck would eat a prune over doing a few lines of that yeyo. Not the Good Doctor.
Thank you for your question. You can always reach us at patientquack@gm
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